Let's fly...

Last week I stepped out of my comfort zone. Big time. I took on a couple of things that were not something I normally do and that made me super anxious. And that got me thinking...

First, I led our Full Moon practice at RedBloom. Our regular teacher was under the weather so I stepped in and led. She was awesome and gave me a ton of support with theme, topic, and sequences (All while at the walk in clinic!!) but this was definitely outside my wheelhouse. I've done moon yoga before, but having Jalene take those classes over has truly shown me how little I know in that area. I had fun with them and provided nice practices, but there was so much I was missing- I was merely a placeholder. Jalene is a wealth of knowledge and provides such spot on practices for each moon cycle with passion and integrity! Those are BIG shoes to fill!

The second thing I did was yoga with 50+ fifth and sixth graders... Whew! (This week was 3rd & 4th...) Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE yoga with kids. They are honest, pure, and joyful. Things I wish I could always be. But fifth and sixth grade is a tough age. And 50 is a LOT of them. Plus yoga is not something that a lot of them have ever done before so I didn't know how they would respond. I had no idea what to expect or how it was going to go. I have never sweat so much in my life... 

I did both of these things, one after the other. I was thankful for my breath and my ability to have no expectations. I was able to take these experiences and absorb the lessons from them, honor the successes, and notice my reactions and how my "stories" impact my anxiety levels and my perception of success...

Let's start there. With success... What is that? What does that mean? How do we measure success? For me I have always been a person that runs away from the measurement of success through numbers. Success is not a popularity contest. For me, success is measured by impact. If ONE person takes something positive away from practice or an interaction then that is success for me. Life is a journey and if I can help ONE person navigate that journey a little more clearly, then (whatever) is a success. It seems so often, especially in the yoga world, success is measured in numbers. I get that there has to be a bottom line to keep the lights on, but what purpose does it serve to pack a room and then have little to no personal interaction? I think about those kiddos I practiced with last week and yesterday. I worked to connect with each and every one of them. I at least made eye contact with each and every one of them. I listened to them when they talked, and I watched to make sure what we were doing made sense in their bodies. I could see the changes they felt (or didn't feel), I worked to help them feel included and accepted even if they were sitting down and not doing yoga (that was sometimes more yoga than the movement and postures...), and I watched as many of them walked out of the room still using some of the techniques we had just practiced together. Success through connection!

Let's look at the other side of the coin. I was reading something the other day and it asked the question, "what if what we thought we wanted was really what was holding us back?" We get so stuck in our ideas of what we can and can't do, of what we think we should do and how things should go. We get attached to the concept of success looking a specific way. What happens when we let go of our expectations and open to the possibility of success being something we haven't even seen? Think of how silly it would be for me to walk into this yoga session with 50 students and measure my success by their ability to hold Tree Pose for 10 breaths. To what end? Instead, I entered into that situation with an openness to what ever happens happens. To the idea that I have a "plan" but it is merely a guideline and that we will veer from that plan. So many beautiful things happened in that practice that I couldn't have even imagined. And I was able to respond more genuinely and in the moment to students because I was merely present. It was beautiful- we flew so much higher than I could have ever imagined. 

This was the same for the Moon Yoga class I led last week. I realized as I was preparing for class that I was creating a majority of my anxiety myself! I realized that I was getting stuck in my stories of inadequacy and lack of knowledge. My expectations of what that class should be was making it bigger and bigger in my mind, and when I let those assumption go I was able to take a breath and release a lot of my un-realistic expectations. I was able to really tune in to the intent that Jalene had created for class and let that guide the experience. Again, I had a plan, but it was just that and I had the knowledge that we would vary from that plan. 

And most importantly, I did these things that created so much anxiety in my mind and body. I learned so much about myself and my view of myself. And I wondered... how many things in my life do I limit because of anxiety or expectations that I unconsciously (or consciously) have? How many times do I feel that I have failed because of my preconceived notion of "success". And what kind of cycle do I create by allowing those patterns to continue? 

So today, with mindfulness, I continue. There will always be situations that we are thrown into that make us uncomfortable or bring up old baggage or stories. There will always be opportunities to grow through those difficult experiences. My hope for myself is that I have awareness and grace to move through these situations and grow, to not stop and turn away from difficulty or stressful situations. Because that is what helps me learn and evolve. Those times are really where I learn who I truly am.

The hard stuff, the dirty work, that is the Yoga.